Memories, Loved Ones and the Holidays

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The unhealed grief does not dissipate, but lingers, burning its way into the adulthood experiences and relationships.

Death is the fundamental issue with which we must wrestle in life. It is at the heart of our experience.   It forces us to our priorities and reminding us more powerfully than anything else how much our lives and family relationships matter.  
Denial of this fundamental issue powerfully affects our lives.  This denial of death unfortunately is a prominent feature of our society, the society we, as Iranians immigrated to and have adopted to live in.   The loss and grief is not just an individual issue, it is a family issue and it affects the whole family.   It has, particularly for Iranian-Americans an added pain since the family members scattered all over the world and it is much harder to get together at the time they are needed most.   
The unhealed grief does not dissipate, but lingers, burning its way into the adulthood experiences and relationships.  It is not surprising that many cases that I see revolve around the loss, even when the loss issue is not the indicated problem.   Helping individuals and families deal with losses is a central aspect of my family therapy work.   We all as individuals and families need to give time and mental energy and take ourselves mindfully through the process of mourning our losses.
In the November issue of Payam, I wrote about the "holiday blues" and the memories of our loved ones.  I explained when individuals need to seek help to see whether their physical and emotional experience is "holiday blues" or depression.  I also outlined ways to help yourself when memories of your losses are triggered during holidays.   In this issue I will discuss ways of helping some one else who is experiencing holiday blues as triggered by memories of loved ones.    The loss of the loved ones may have happened many years ago however, still the feeling of blues and even a burst of depression can be triggered particularly during holiday gatherings.   Old memories and sudden, unexpected reminders can bring the intensity of the grief feelings back anew.
Because people move toward adaptation and coping process of their losses at different rates and in different ways, it could be hard to know where the person is in that process and how or when to offer help.  At this time in the mourning process the person may want to talk about the loved one. Unfortunately, people are often hesitant to talk about the deceased. They may be afraid they will upset the mourner or are simply uncomfortable talking about someone who has died. The mourner sometimes feels that others have forgotten about the loved one. So it is helpful that people talk about their own positive memories of the loved one and encourage the mourner to share memories of the past.  It also is helpful to be familiar with resources—physicians, therapists who speak the person’s language and are familiar with the person’s culture in case they decide to seek professional help.
You need to remember that you cannot take away the pain.   However there are ways to be helpful:   
• You must reach out to the mourner, even though you cannot provide the solution they really want.
• Invite the person to join in holiday activities. Even if the answer is "No," leave the invitation open in case they decide to come at the last minute.
• Listen to their grief story as often as they need to tell it. Let them know you are there for them.
• Sometimes, being present and sharing the silence with a reassuring touch on the arm or a hug may be all that they want.
• Be aware that the grieving person may not wish to be festive. Take cues from the grieving person as to how they want to deal with the holidays and remember or honor (or not) their loss.
• There is no right or wrong way to deal with our losses during the holidays, anniversaries or special occasions. Each person has to decide what will work and then let others know.
• You need to be patient; the mourner may get upset and negative and even may lash out at people around.
• The "gift of presence" may mean more than the gift of words or deeds.
• Each mourner is unique.
Naturally we all experience loss of loved ones of our older generation (as in the Persian language, we say after 120 years of healthy living).   Although the loss of the loved ones is painful it is also an existential experience.  It is a life changing experience in that the person becomes more aware of his/her own existence.  In this way it is a valuable gift which we can cherish for the rest of our lives.  In this holiday season it is important to remember our lost loved ones, and celebrate their lives.  I wish you all peace, good health and much happiness. 

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