Emotional Fitness:Guilt Feelings By

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Human beings have a range of different emotions.  Each emotion provides individuals information about a person’s thoughts and behaviors and their effects on themselves and others. One of the emotions I will discuss here is guilt.  
Guilt is an uneasy cognitive and emotional experience that occurs when a person realizes or believes that he or she has done something wrong and is responsible for it.  It is an affective state in which there is an internal struggle between wrong and right and driven by our conscience.  It gives rise to a feeling which does not go away easily.   
There are different types of guilt feelings.  One is call a "Proper Guilt Feeling" which is guilt from an action or lack of that considered "wrong."  Guilt is founded on our empathy system.  When we see other people suffering, we can feel their suffering as if it is our own.  This constitutes our powerful system of empathy, which leads to our thinking that we should do something to relieve the suffering of others.  It has a potential positive effect on one’s life when one takes proper steps to respond to it.   Appropriate response to our proper guilt feelings motivates us to make a decision and learn a lesson for our future.  Usually this type of guilt feeling doesn’t get infested in a person’s psyche.  Because of its positive effects it can also be called "Positive Guilt Feeling."  This feeling makes forgiveness possible.  As a highly social animal living in large groups, we need ways to deal with conflicts and events in which we inadvertently or purposefully harm others.  When we see someone harmed by our action– and sometimes, by a lack of action– and then we demonstrate regret and sorrow, the person harmed is likely to forgive, which is part of the healing process.
There are inappropriate ways to respond to our guilt feelings.   One is seeing one's mistakes while not knowing what to do about them or refusing to correct them. The other is when one projects guilt onto others and does not take responsibility for it.  In these cases, guilt becomes a negative, paralyzing emotion, based on non-acceptance of oneself or the situation.  It creates an internal conflict that continues to infest the body and sole of the individual, and it leads to depression and frustration rather than improvement. It can even lead to self-hatred, and certainly contributes to lack of self-confidence.
There is another kind of guilt feeling that can overpower our lifestyle. This sort of guilt does not stem from an existential wrong doing or violation of a moral principle.   It stems from a need to be liked and a view of self that if one is not available to do things for others, one is not a person worthy of being liked.  These individuals' relationships with others are guilt ridden.  One becomes the prisoner of these kinds of guilt feelings, which is why I call it "Harmful Guilt."  It is toxic to your body and spirit.  People with Harmful Guilt perpetually make themselves available for everyone and the thought of not doing enough makes them feel like they are not being good enough.   People with this type of guilt do not live their own lives. Rather, they pursue lives that they think they ought to in order to be liked or the life they feel they are expected to live.  If you ask them, they may have a hard time telling you what kind of life each of them wants to live.
To get a better sense of whether or not you are living your life with the harmful guilt feelings, read the following statements and see if they apply to you:

 The driving force in your life is pleasing others.
What motivates you to take on projects when you really don’t want to is your need for other people to see you as “good.”
You would like to change your ways. For example, to be able to say no at times) or change something about your life, but you don’t because you feel too guilty to do it.
If you agree with any of the above statements, your life is being dominated by Harmful Guilt.  
Take these steps toward recovering from Harmful Guilt:

Recognize your responsibilities in the different roles you have in your life– in relationships, as a spouse, parent, adult child, friend, and at work.  
Differentiate between your responsibilities and others.  In therapy, this is called having good boundaries.  Boundaries are invisible lines that define what is inside the line that is yours, including your responsibilities.  These invisible lines also define where your responsibilities end and others start. (In my work I realize many clients’ difficulties stems from inabilities to establish appropriate boundaries.)  If your boundaries are not appropriately strong, other people can step over them and walk into something that belongs to you.  
To relieve yourself from Harmful Guilt you must learn and practice your right to whatever is yours.  This is not easy if you have let Harmful Guilt run your life.  The minute you try to claim your rights, you feel that your thoughts and actions are selfish and Harmful Guilt sets in.   However, with effort, persistence, and by taking one step at a time, you can be free from Harmful Guilt.

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