In Search of the Love You Want

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  For singles looking for a lifelong love partner --- Part Seven
I have been writing about single people looking for a life long partner for the last several months.  The single population, at any given time, consists of individuals in different stages of their lives in terms of their age categories and their family situations.  In this issue I will focus on two situations in which individuals are looking for lifelong partners.  One is individuals who have been divorced with no children and the other is divorced with children.  
Here I want to emphasize that I believe that age (I mean chronological age) should not be a factor to prevent individuals from looking for a partner if they choose.  The Persian culture traditionally does not encourage senior individuals- and this is true particularly for women- to look for a partner.   Research on relationships shows that married people, given having a satisfying relationship are healthier physically, mentally and emotionally.   On the other hand the same line of research shows that, when the relationship is conflicting and there is no satisfaction, it can be a source of tension and stress which negatively affects our mental and emotional health, and in turn our total health.   So I encourage senior people who want and choose to have a partner to not hesitate in looking for one.  My advice is to not deny your right and needs for a partner because of the culture’s traditional custom of “what people would think of or say about me.”
People who are divorced and looking to find a satisfying relationship with a lifelong partner certainly need to do all the steps I have written about in  the past several issues of PAYAM- finding themselves, their directions and goals in life, and working through childhood relationship etc.- before settling down with someone they choose.  However, they have a few other important issues to pay attention to in order to enhance the chance of a successful relationship.
The task for people who are divorced is to look carefully at their failed marriages, identify issues, analyze them if necessary, recognize their part in them, take the responsibilities for their part, and do not hesitate to seek professional help.  This effort is necessary before embarking on another relationship.  If it is not done, mistakes will be repeated and the risk of another failing relationship is high.  
This task becomes much harder and more complicated when divorced individuals have children.  In this case they are responsible for not only taking care of themselves regarding the failed relationship but for their mental/emotional well being of their children.   

While the needs of children in different developmental stages are different in case of parental divorce, there are some general considerations that I would like to point out here.  Divorce is, socially and legally, the end of a relationship.  In fact we can say divorce is the death of the relationship as a couple.  Adults, in the face of divorce generally experience a series of emotional reactions to the loss of marriage known as the stages of grief of the Kubler-Ross model.
 The known five stages of emotional reaction to a loss are:   denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance.   Depending on the individual situation, the person may experience all or some of these in different order.  
Denial is when individuals consciously or unconsciously refuse to accept facts and reality relating to the situation.  Individuals manifest anger in different ways, with themselves or with others. Bargaining is an emotional struggle to negotiate a compromising deal with themselves or others to change the course of the events.  For example, “Can I have one more chance?” or “I will change,” etc.  Depression here refers to a natural sadness and possibly regret.  The sadness shows that the person at least has begun to accept the reality.  Acceptance will manifest sooner or later- for some people much later – and is an indication of emotional detachment and provide individuals to go on with their lives.

I mention this brief definition of these emotional reactions to a loss of marriage to provide parents the awareness not only for their own reactions but for their children. Children experience almost the same emotional reactions to the loss of their family unity when parents separate.
However, the way children show these emotional reactions is different from adults and different for each child depending on family circumstances.  For children in most cases, the news of parental divorce comes as a shock.   Depending on the developmental age of the children, they may show emotions and behaviors of denial, anger, frustration and bargaining at the same time.  However there is a time that acceptance and sadness sets in.  The parents' responsibility is to let children experience these emotional reactions, to provide a safe family environment for them to express their emotions freely as they need with the help of a family therapist as needed before the parent embarking on a new relationship.   A mistake some parents make in times of divorce is that when trying to help their children, they unconsciously react to their own emotions, thinking their children feel the same way.   As a result, their efforts may negatively affect their children.  As parents you need to sort through your own feelings and emotions and your children reactions with the help of a family therapist when is needed.   
This helps you to differentiate your emotional pain for the loss of the relationship from your children’s emotional experience of the situation.  As a single individual with children, you need to have a clear picture of your responsibilities, to have established ways to meet them, and to manage your time and energy to have room for another person in your life.   When you have all these in place then, and only then, can you embark on finding that person.  

Till next month.  I wish you a successful year in finding your lasting love.

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