In Search of the Love You Want - For Singles Looking for a Lifelong Love Partner

E-MAIL THIS

PRINT THIS

MOST POPULAR

XML VERSION

In the last issue I talked about single situations when individuals who have been  in a relationship for a while, but have some concerns that make it hard for them to make a decision either to settle down together or end it for good and  go on with their search finding their long lasting partner.I particularly pointed out a situation when two individuals have been together for more than a year and even share some of their goals and direction; however one or both still believe that the relationship is perfect except for a few things.  In these cases individuals hope and try to change the persons they're with into someone they want them to be in order to make the relationship work.  This is an unhealthy and unrealistic attitude.  I pointed out some hidden reasons such as fear of commitment, fear of intimacy, and fear of a failed marriage. And yes, for all of us there are deeper underlying psychological issues at work.  Identifying these underlying issues such as childhood nurturing, the relationship with your parents, your past adults relationships, and how they affect you and your adult love relationship, can shed light on your behavior patterns.
If you are in this type of situation, (assuming you are aware and have worked or you hopefully will work on these issues,) I suggested a simple exercise that can help you make a decision.  Here I take you through the exercise and will give more suggestions to help you further in your decision making.  
• On a sheet of paper make three columns.  In the first column write as many as things you can think of that you love and like about your partner.   
• In the second column make a list of traits and values that you and your partner share, like number of children, work, income, education, etc.
• In the third column, list all activities, outdoor and indoor, sports, arts that you enjoy together.
• Review these three lists and see if you want to add more to the list.
• On a different sheet of paper make a list of all things you do not like about your partner and wish were different.   
• Review this second list.  Keep in mind that nothing will change and this is the way your partner is.  Go through the list and put a check mark next to the items that, while you do not like them, you can live with them.   Here you need to think hard. Review the list several times to see if there is any other item you can check as a "you can live with" item. Rewrite these items in separate column on the page.
• Put all your lists aside and go about your daily life.
• Every few days or so go back to your lists and look over to see if you can add to the three columns in your first list and also to see if there are more items in your "do not like" list that you can check as an  item you can live with and transfer it to the new column.  Continue this task for several weeks.

Now it is time to look carefully and see if you have any items in the do not like list that you can not live with.  Here talking to a marriage counselor/therapist is very helpful.   Counseling can help you see how the items in this list play in the relationship.  Also, the therapist will help you to look at the situation from all different angles and through a different point of view which will help you to see the item as a non-issue or not completely negative.  On the other hand, the therapist will also help you to see if any "not liking" items are a personality traits which are set in the character of the individual and rarely any substantial change will occur, if any.  
If any item in the "do not like" list, after all your hard effort, remains and you can not in your heart and mind accept/compromise, or live with, you need to stop the relationship and not waste your time.
Here I need to mention that there are a few things that you need to be aware of.  One is the controlling attitude.  The other one is a series of signs that are the cause of problem in the relationship.  Dr. John Gottman’s research is well known for pointing out the signs of a problematic relationship and reasons for divorce.  Here I mention three of the signs that I have seen mostly in the communication styles of Persian couples who experience problems in their relationships. One is that when individuals experience a harsh tone when they start their discussion/arguements. Second, is criticism and that is when individuals become critical of the person’s character and personality.  And the third one is contempt which is when individuals communicate negatively with sarcasm and cynicism, basically downgrading the person.
I must say that in a very short period of time you may not have a chance to experience the real character of your partner.  I believe if someone plans to find someone to settle down with, he/she  should consider a time from 6 months to a year at most to get to know a person and make a decision.  During this time, however singles need to have a chance to experience the partners in their normal living environment, in different social settings, and in relation to their family members and others.   It is natural in relationships to argue and disagree.  As research shows, it is not the arguments per se, but the way people argue and end their arguments that matters to the relationship.  That’s the time I want all singles to pay attention to their own style and their partner style of arguing to look for some of the warning signs mentioned above.  

Till next month.  I wish you a successful year in finding your lasting love.

E-MAIL THIS

PRINT THIS

MOST POPULAR

XML VERSION