In the search of the love you want

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Most single people fall into two situation categories. One is when singles are not in a relationship and just dating here and there to find the one they are looking for.  The other one, that I will talk about here, is when individuals who are in a relationship but they have some concerns which make it hard for them to make a decision either to settle down together or end it for good and go on with their search finding their long lasting partner.  

Here is a short summary of the main points I had written in this series so far which seems appropriate to refresh the reader’s minds and the continuity of this part. I wrote that:

• Single hood is a necessary stage in life before choosing a lifelong partner. Our Persian- American culture needs to accept and encourage it.
• Singles need to take their time as an opportunity to experiment with life’s endeavors and to find their life’s goals and direction, meaning, and purpose, and be true to what’s important to them in life.
• Feeling of being in love is necessary to get to know each other; however it is not enough for a lasting relationship.

Now back to the situation I mentioned above where individuals have been together, say eight months to one or more years. It appears however, that they have no clear directions and no indication of their intention to make it permanent. Usually in these types of situations the conflict arises first, when one person goal is, and the other however not wanting even to entertain the idea. These two people do not have the same goals and direction. We wonder why the individual who would like to settle down staying in this relationship. Second, when one or both believes that the relationship is perfect except for a few things.  In both cases these individuals hope and try to change the persons they’re with into someone they want them to be (mold the person into something he or she is not) in order to make the relationship work. They may say if “my partner just changes a few things and be the way I want him to be it would be great.”  It’s an unhealthy and unrealistic attitude. There are several reasons for this. One is that they somehow have misguidedly learned that if you want to have a successful relationship you need to be able to change your partner. The other is they fear of not finding anyone as “good,” in some aspects, as their current partner. The sad thing is that while this individuals are struggling with the decision and at the same time holding on to a relationship which with their own definition has problems, they may missing on chances of a better match partner who are passing through their lives, undetected.  

On the other hand there are numerous reasons, mainly related to fear, why some run from committing to a lasting relationship that has a great potential: fear of commitment; fear of a failed marriage; fear of intimacy; fear of losing personal freedom; fear of responsibility; fear of losing self identity within the unit of marriage.

There are deeper underlying psychological issues at work here. Identifying these undercurrents issues (relating to childhood nurturing and the relationship with your parents, and your past adults relationships) and how they affect you can shed light on your behavior patterns.  

If you are in this type of situation a simple exercise may help toward making a decision.    

On a sheet of paper make three columns. In the first column write things, as many as things you can think of, that you love and like about your partner.   

On a different sheet of paper make a list of all things you do not like about your partner and wish they were different.   

The third step is to review this second list. Keep in mind that nothing will change and this is the way your partner is. Go through the list and, put a check mark next to the items that, while you do not like them, you can live with them. Here you need to think hard. Review the list several times to see if any there is any other item you can check. Put this list aside.

Go back to the list of items you like and love about your partner. See if you can add any more to it.  

Have a third sheet of paper and write one list of traits and values that you and your partner share and another list of activities that you enjoy together. Review over this list and the list of items you love about your partner.  

Put all your list aside and go about your daily life.

Every few days or so go back to your lists and look over to see if you want to add more to the loving traits and sharing enjoyable activities. And also to see if there are more items in your do not like list that you can check as item you can live with. Continue this task for several weeks.

Till next month. I  wish you a successful year in finding your lasting love.

Dr. Khazrai is a licensed marriage & family therapist with 25 years of experience practicing in Newport Beach.

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