In the search of the love you want: For singles looking for a lifelong love

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In the previous articles we discussed singlehood and the natural desire to find a love and life long partner.   We mentioned that:  we need to take time for a period of singlehood before choosing our life-long love to marry and settle down;  the Persian- American culture and the need to accept and encourage singlehood as a necessary stage in life before individuals embark on choosing a lifelong partner.  So much of relationship problems could be avoided if we would postpone marriages until we learn what relationships really entail.  We pointed out that falling in love and feeling of being in love is necessary to start to know each other, however they are not enough for a lasting relationship.  There are life directions and life goals which, when shared by couples, is the foundation of a strong marriage.  

One point I mentioned briefly in the previous articles was that marriage does not help to escape or solve personal problems.  One of the important tasks during the singlehood is to pay attention to personal and emotional difficulties that you may have been experiencing.  Examples of personal and emotional problems are: not having a healthy self love, self esteem and confidence; not having a healthy approach to self care; carrying the unresolved hurt and pain from past relationships (boyfriends, marriage). And most of all, experiencing childhood trauma, unresolved hurt, and pain from childhood experiences relating to childhood nurturing.
 
Let’s take the childhood traumas which in many ways intertwine with the relationship with parents which everyone experience.  In the realm of psychology the importance of childhood experience on the life of the adult individuals has special place.  There is clear psychological knowledge that shows early childhood nurturing can result in specific wounds that affect our intimate partnerships. The experience of the relationship with parents at times can be conflicting and traumatic, causing hurt and pain.  
Some main situations of traumatic parental relationships can include parental divorce, and the parental conflicting relationship (constant arguements, hostility and violence in the family).  The way you have experienced your parents relating to each other, solving their problems, communicating, how happy or unhappy they were together,  and how each one related to you are important factors in shaping your view of the relationship and ways to deal with your future relationship. Another cause of childhood hurt and pain is the loss of one or both parents or emotional unavailability of parents to the child.

Some people’s childhood wounds go much deeper.  However, this does not mean that people who have had a childhood trauma do not have a chance of a healthy relationship.  When taking time in working out the painful childhood experiences and its related deepened emotions, individuals have a chance of a satisfying relationship.  However, if we let those experiences remain dormant in our unconscious and then leaking out through our emotional reactions to our partners, then we are putting our relationship at risk of failure.  A man who grew up in a chaotic violent home environment may try to exercise control over his life and get anxious when there is a hint of disagreement or rejection from his wife; thinking he is losing his relationship, he goes through rage and becomes verbally abusive toward his wife. A woman who has lost her parent or her parents for some reason (illness, separation, alcoholism, etc.) who were not emotionally available to her may go into a panic and rage when her boyfriend does not call her or see her as he said he would and gets very critical of him.

You may ask why the childhood experience is so important and it continues to hold such power over our lives. From the study of psychology of child development and clinical study of childhood trauma I can tell you that is because as children, having no way to understand the trauma and not be able to stop it we try to forget it, and take it out of our conscious. We  repress it. After all we have no other choice.  In most cases as children we have no other home, no other parents to turn to for love or comfort, so we have to pretend that everything is okay. The truth is very painful so we hide it from ourselves.  However, deep in our brain and our body we carry the truth inside but away from our awareness.  Then we respond to our life situations instinctively as though the original traumatic situation still exists.  

What to do about it? First, it is important to recognize that your childhood experiences and the relationship with your parents are important factors in shaping your future relationship. Second, recognize that some of your feeling of sadness or anxiety might be related to your childhood nurturing. Third, help yourself by going to an experienced therapist to overview and work out your nurturing experiences and your relationship with your parents. People who voluntarily go through therapy usually become emotional and mentally stronger. They become capable of managing and regulating their emotional reactions in the intimate relationship.  As a result they can handle more appropriately the emotionally charged conflicts and disagreements in intimate relationship.   

Until next month, I wish you a successful year in finding your lasting love.

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