In Search of the Love You Want

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Part Two

In my first article I have mentioned that single-hood is a necessary stage before choosing a lasting love; that we need not to criticize it but encouraging it before marriage; and that singles need to take their time as an opportunity to learn to experiment with life’s endeavors and to find their life’s goals. In this issue I would like to draw your attention to single-hood in different stages of life, and the state of falling in love and its relation to the lasting love.

Singles in Different Stages of Life
In single-hood one’s priorities depend on the life stage you are in.
I present here three main stages of single-hood.  First, the stage between the end of high school to mid-twenties (18 to 25).  In this stage young people have several years to experience life on their own and find a direction for their lives.  In this stage they need not to have pressure necessarily to choose their future spouse.   Second, the stage between mid-twenties and late thirties. In this stage, singles are more seriously in search of a life partner to start a family.  They feel the pressure of family’s expectations, particularly in Persian-American culture, to get married.  Developmentally, most singles by this time have better ideas of their goals in life.  However, it is advisable, to take some times for themselves to seriously ponder on their life direction,  get better grounded emotionally and assured of their direction when looking for their lasting partner.  The third stage of singlehood is when individuals find themselves single (with or without children) after a long time relationship that ended in separation. And there are many single situations between in which they are many shared aspects.  However, each individual situation is unique but they all have one goal in mind and that is to find a lasting love and life partner.
Here I would like to have your attention to the obvious biological differences between men and women in which women have a limited time to have children of their own if they choose to.  Unfortunately, in my experience working with pre-marital couples, this obvious issue does not get the attention it needs and as a result causes pain and disappointments in pre-marital relationships. If having children is one of woman’s goal in life she naturally would like to have a family before it is too late.  While for a man may not be a priority.  When a man loves a woman (I mean really loves a woman) who expresses her desire to have family and children, he needs to be deeply mindful of and respect her wants. If the marriage is not his goal in life or he feels he is not ready for it, he needs to be honest with the woman and do not continue the relationship pretending that he too is interested in marriage and family. If a man continues to pretend to share the same goals as his partner, his expressed love for the woman is not a real love.  When loving is real, the lover cares about and honors the wants of the beloved. Many problems that premarital couples bring to me come from similar miscommunication and misunderstanding of these major life goals.  

Falling in Love
You have seen and heard that people believe that when they are in love all problems can be overcome.  Granted, we need that initial feeling of attraction.  It is a chance to get close to and know if the person is the one for lasting love.   And being in love helps too.  However none of theses are enough for a lasting relationship.  I have many examples showing that you can love someone and still you may get divorce. I remember the book "Road Less Traveled" by Scott Peck I read many years ago. People are mistaken falling in love with “I love him or her.” People fall in love only when they are sexually motivated, consciously or unconsciously. Furthermore the experience of falling in love is temporary.  Pay attention to the word “falling.” You are going to hit something at the end of the fall and will fall out of love. Imagine when you are falling you are not in control. When you are not in control how you can make important decision about your future?  
The psychological discussion of the state of mind both falling in love and being in love is beyond this article. However, we all know the experience of these feelings as so ecstatic that we lose ourselves in it; our identity becomes one with the identity of our beloved. You may think you are in control and everything is falling in place perfectly, but how can you see and think about the reality of the lasting relationship when you have lost yourself?  
We need to remember that this state of falling in love is always temporary and will pass sooner or later. There are life direction and life goals which, when shared by couples, is the foundation of a strong marriage. Real love may follow with the same person with whom you fell in love when you found the foundation.
Till next month.  I wish you a successful year in finding your lasting love.

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