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www.drkhazrai.com
It is interesting that I thought to write about this subject in the month of March in which we celebrate the Persian New Year. It reminded me of the Persian tradition when in the 13th day of the New Year, unmarried people make a wish to be married by knotting the green grass in the prairie.
I would like to start to write about this subject in the next few issues in Payam-e-Ashena. It is for those of you who are looking toward the future to fulfill the goal of finding the love you want. My experience in working with the Persian community is that many young and middle age women and men looking for a life partner are experiencing disappointments, frustration, confusion and fear. First, let’s start with singleness. All singles out there, whatever your relationship history, whatever your heartbreak, whatever your age, I believe that as a single person you have an advantage over those who are married and trying to solve their relationship problems in addition to the struggle of day to day crises. This does not mean, by any means, that I am saying to a married person to get a divorce when there is a problem in your relationship. On the contrary, you need to do what ever it takes, and all the help you can get to make it work. Here, there is a risk that you are throwing away a relationship that has potentially a good chance to be your love you want to keep. So you want to make sure that you take the chance to save the relationship and get back to the path of marital satisfaction.
Let’s get back to singleness. I know that at times, you get frustrated and wonder if there is any chance that you will ever find your lifelong love. I understand your frustration. But I want you to think about the positive side of being single. You are fortunate to be single in a culture (Iranian-American culture in recent years has become much more open and supportive of people experiencing relationships before making any decision for marriage) that offers you the opportunity to learn how to live on your own, to experiment with carriers, relationships, closeness to another person in mind and heart before your decision to marry. This series of articles are not about how to catch that perfect person, because that perfect person does not exist. It is wishful thinking. It is also not certainly about the joys of being single, because, first it is difficult in many ways to be single in this society where there is the pressure of being couples. It is ultimately in the experience of a committed long-term love relationship that we continue to grow. Perpetual singleness limits growth since it denies the fundamental needs of the unconscious.
However, singleness as a stage is necessary before choosing a lasting love. We need not to criticize singleness. We Persian-Americans need to educate ourselves to understand the purpose of singleness in our modern time. We need also to know that singles, particularly Persian-American singles, are coping with a series of difficulties without tools to deal with them. I want the Persian-American culture to accept and encourage singleness in its proper context as a necessary stage in life before the person embarks on choosing a lifelong partner. So much of the heartbreak of love could be avoided if we would postpone marriages until we learn what relationships really entail. It is so much to uncover, recognize, and learn to be ready for the hidden potential conflicts that we bring to our relationships.
Keep in mind that it is a mistake to start a relationship to escape or to avoid personal problems, or to marry thinking that marriage will solve your problems. In fact marriage may intensify the personal problems. If you are unhappy and single, there is a high probability that you be unhappy and married. If you’re confused about what you want in life, you'll most likely be a confused married person. You need to know, to the best of your ability, your life's goals, your meaning and purpose in life even before you meet your future spouse. These are existential questions. The answers need to come from within you, not imposed from outside. Marriage does not solve existential questions about life. We each need to be our own person- true to our principles, true to what's important to us in life. And that's why it's so crucial to realize that your current situation, looking for your lifelong love, has a certain potential for growth that will never exist again. Right now is an opportunity. But if you are too focused on getting married, you may miss taking advantage of this precious time in your life
Until the next issue, stay well.
Dr. Khazrai is a licensed Marriage and Family Therapist with 25 years of experience. Her practice is located in Newport Beach, CA. To schedule an appointment or for more information call (949) 709-1374
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