The Untimely Loss of a Parent

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It is a fact of life.  We all have either experienced the loss of a loved one or will experience it in our life time.  It changes our lives.   It affects everyone in the family, but differently depending on many factors.
 
In closeknit Persian families, a loss may be felt more intensely by a larger number of people in several families.  

A loss in a family changes the nature of the relationships among the surviving family members.  I have heard in numerous cases that people report how their relationship with their brothers, sisters, parents, grandparents, and other family members has changed as a result of a loss of a close family member.  

The timing of a loss in a family presents different complications.   Premature death that is “off-time” in terms of chronological expectation, such as early widowhood, loss of a child or  early parent loss.   Here I will write briefly the effect of untimely parent loss on teenagers and children.  I felt compelled to write about this because the issue is close to my heart.   I want to raise the reader’s awareness as well; first, that it is important that adults in the family be aware of the particular needs of children when they experience the loss of their parents and second, I want to stress the importance of children be allowed, encouraged, and  supported in participating fully in the process of mourning the loss of their parents. The suggestions here are from my professional and my own personal and family experience.  I intimately know of the pain of losing a parent and have witnessed the consequences of children losing a parent.  As adult family members, we have crucial responsibilities for our children when they experience the loss of their parents.

Given the developmental tasks of teenagers and younger children, the impact of the loss of a parent may be seriously underestimated by them and by their families and friends.
The loss of a parent affects the relationship of the child /teenager to the surviving parent, siblings, grandparents and friends.  The surviving parent and other adults in the family may either be unaware of or unknowingly neglect the child’s emotional needs at this time.  The surviving parent needs time and energy to do her/his own mourning.  She or he or may emotionally reach out to the child to replace the lost love which will interfere with the child’s healthy emotional development.  

For Teenagers
For teenagers, the developmental task is to separate themselves from the parent for their own identity formation.  They may have been struggling to push away from parental influence and control. The loss would be more complicated for the teenager if the relationship with the lost parent had been problematic. In some families, the teenagers may cover their own grief in order not to further burden the surviving parents, which in turn may cause them unresolved loss related issues.

For Children
First, it is important for adults to recognize the limitations of a child’s ability to understand what is happening.  Children have different understandings depending on their age. Therefore adults should not be alarmed by children’s questions or inappropriate responses to the situation at hand.  Their seemingly inappropriate behavior is a way of seeking support and understanding through observing the reactions of others. Adults should answer the children’s questions clearly and honestly and be open and truthful about their own feelings.   

Second, it is crucial for parents and other adults not to exclude children from the experience of loss, hoping to spare them pain.  Do not exclude them from being with and/or visiting the dying parent.  Do not exclude them from funeral services and/or going to the cemetery.

It is important that the role of the lost parent and the bereaved parent be carried out by other family members and friends.  This permits the surviving parent to grieve and help with the every day household functioning.  At the same time adult family members should respect the surviving parents wishes as to how things should be carried on regarding the children. It is helpful to the surviving parent and children that adults encourage and support the parent in involving the children in all process of the funeral and all mourning activities.

There is no love without loss.  And without some experience of mourning there is no moving beyond loss.  To be unable to mourn is to be unable to live again.

Dr. Khazrai is a licensed Marriage and Family Therapist with 25 years of experience. Her practice is located in Newport Beach, CA.  To schedule an appointment or for more information call (949) 709-1374

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