Conflict Resolution

Growing up as the oldest of six children including four boys, in the Middle East, I soon learned how conflicts are an inseparable part of everyday life. As a child, having young parents with limited resources and even less family and social support, struggle and conflict became familiar themes to me. Even as a child my deepest desire was to resolve all big and small conflicts peacefully. When I would watch people around me getting frustrated, angry, screaming and crying, I would remove myself from the scene of conflict and chaos. I would do it both physically and mentally. My mother cried a lot and complained of how every one is treating her unfairly. My father wanted peace & quite after coming home. He was a teacher; he was dealing with kids all day long. At home he did not want to hear more kid’s problems. My mother felt overwhelmed and unsupported. This created a conflict. My parents were kind and loving but life was difficult and challenging. Looking back now I realize there were marital issues, economical issues, different expectations and needs. The society I grew up in was a patriarchal society. Political repression plus strong cultural and religious rules created even more conflicts.

To resolve conflicts I learned to be strong and super responsible. If I do everything right, there would be less conflict. This was the message I learned. I did not argue with people, I focused on being a good student, a good daughter, and avoiding all conflicts. I thought as a woman in a culture in which women were not taken seriously, if I became a lawyer, I would both be respected and learn the tools of conflict resolution. I became a lawyer but the family and social conflicts were not resolved. Soon after I left my native land and came to the U.S. to pursue higher education. Now I was faced with new challenges and different conflicts. Starting as a new student in a foreign land, being away from family I soon discovered my internal conflicts as well. I decided to stay and follow my life long dream. I wanted to become a useful, helpful member of a bigger community, the world community. I wanted to learn to resolve my internal and external conflicts peacefully. There was so much to learn. It was the mid-seventies, and starting at graduate program at NYU helped me gain more confidence. Then I noticed something exciting. I learned about women’s liberation movement in united states. This to me was discovering the missing link to my awakening. I realized even here women are struggling. Even here there are injustices and conflicts. In the coming years my education and work in law and related fields thought me much valuable lessons but it did not help me to learn how to resolve conflict peacefully. The world also kept changing, not for better but for more conflicts. I then switched to psychology. This new path finally helped me to understand the nature of conflict and learn the tools to resolve it peacefully. This became my passion in life.

Conflict and Communication
What I have learned can be summed up in 3 main principles:
1- All conflicts are as the result of not being able to communicate properly. So conflict resolution is tied to communication skills.
2- The second important principle lies in our perception of self and others. We normally respond to our internal cues- a word or a gesture could be interpreted according to our thoughts, emotions, past experiences, even hidden or unconscious feelings.
3- We normally communicate our own interpretations, our feelings and reactions according to certain scri pts we have learned throughout our life. Therefore conflict is a deep -seated difference of opinions and beliefs. Conflict is always related to how we are conditioned to respond.

Simple Rules of Conflict Resolution
To combine proper communication with conflict resolution techniques, I have found these simple rules:
1- Find out the problem
2- Try to evaluate the problem without blaming.
3- Addressing the problem, not attacking the person.
3- Listen to each other, repeating what the other person is saying.
4- Using I statements, “I heard you saying…”
5- Showing we care about each other’s feelings Remembering we all have different interpretations and reactions.
6- Taking responsibility for what we say and do. “I realize I become angry and I tend to be mean and sarcastic. I will try to work on this. I know I have a short fuse…”

When in Conflict Do Not:
1- Blame or criticize
2- Don’t hit
3- Don’t make excuses
4- Don’t resort to name calling
5- Don’t tease or put down
6- Don’t make threats.
To be continued.